The question I am asked most often after I teach on forgiveness is, “Are we supposed to forgive and forget?” In other words, if I forgive someone who hurt me, must I, also, get close to them again and risk being hurt by them again?
When we forgive, we don’t forget. Here’s why. Forgiveness is not acting like the offense never happened. To forgive someone is to acknowledge that the offense did happen, and to, then, release them from the consequences of their offense. It is to no longer hold them in contempt for their treatment of you. To forgive them is to absorb the pain of their offense without insisting that they must pay. To forgive, you let the matter end with you instead of perpetuating the hurt by constantly telling the story of their offense, wishing them harm or bringing them harm.
Forgiveness is given freely. We forgive because we were forgiven. (Colossians 2:13-14 And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.) Jesus cancelled the debt by taking the consequences of our offense on himself. We forgive because this is God’s command to us. (Ephesians 4:32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.) We are to forgive as we have been forgiven.
While forgiveness is given freely, trust is earned. To trust someone is to open up to them. Each person determines how closely they allow people to get to them. We all have differing emotional boundaries and personal space. As trust builds, people are allowed to be closer, both physically and emotionally. Once a person is hurt, their “generally allowed, personal space” is adjusted. The rules change about their “generally allowed, personal space”. The offender is no longer trusted, so he is not allowed to be as close as before. Jesus practiced boundaries with people by withdrawing from them. He withdrew from those who would make him king. He withdrew from the religious people who threatened to kill him. He withdrew from the crowds who made unrealistic demands on him.
I can forgive and still have boundaries. I can forgive my brother for hitting me and still not stand so close to him that he can hit me again. I can really forgive him. I might have no thoughts of revenge or hate for him. But forgiving does not mean I must stand closer to him. Trust, which is earned, is what gives me the faith to stand closer to him.
We must learn to disassociate forgiving someone from trusting them. Forgiving does not require that you trust them again. It’s only wise to forgive. It’s not always wise to trust.
We forgive, but we don’t forget. Healthy people live with boundaries.
When we forgive, we don’t forget. Here’s why. Forgiveness is not acting like the offense never happened. To forgive someone is to acknowledge that the offense did happen, and to, then, release them from the consequences of their offense. It is to no longer hold them in contempt for their treatment of you. To forgive them is to absorb the pain of their offense without insisting that they must pay. To forgive, you let the matter end with you instead of perpetuating the hurt by constantly telling the story of their offense, wishing them harm or bringing them harm.
Forgiveness is given freely. We forgive because we were forgiven. (Colossians 2:13-14 And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.) Jesus cancelled the debt by taking the consequences of our offense on himself. We forgive because this is God’s command to us. (Ephesians 4:32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.) We are to forgive as we have been forgiven.
While forgiveness is given freely, trust is earned. To trust someone is to open up to them. Each person determines how closely they allow people to get to them. We all have differing emotional boundaries and personal space. As trust builds, people are allowed to be closer, both physically and emotionally. Once a person is hurt, their “generally allowed, personal space” is adjusted. The rules change about their “generally allowed, personal space”. The offender is no longer trusted, so he is not allowed to be as close as before. Jesus practiced boundaries with people by withdrawing from them. He withdrew from those who would make him king. He withdrew from the religious people who threatened to kill him. He withdrew from the crowds who made unrealistic demands on him.
I can forgive and still have boundaries. I can forgive my brother for hitting me and still not stand so close to him that he can hit me again. I can really forgive him. I might have no thoughts of revenge or hate for him. But forgiving does not mean I must stand closer to him. Trust, which is earned, is what gives me the faith to stand closer to him.
We must learn to disassociate forgiving someone from trusting them. Forgiving does not require that you trust them again. It’s only wise to forgive. It’s not always wise to trust.
We forgive, but we don’t forget. Healthy people live with boundaries.
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